the end of nightmares

I'm starting a new campaign entitled the end of nightmares. its quite a contradiction considering that the whole thing is designed to be a nightmare, a sick sad dilapidation of the soul. and hope. and stuff. I'm making another attempt to run a horror campaign, one that actually freaks the people out, something that grabs them, something real. hard, i only did that once, and i still can't get ethliss out of my head. i don't think the others can either....

so i tried. i really did try. and i don't think I'm doing to well at it. intensity, she said, maybe but i still don't get the full need emotion, glandular movement and all out and through, i'm struggling and this being my one outlet it all seems queezy goddamnit burn motherfucker burn kill maim destroy BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!

or not, maybe its peace inside, maybe its not anger that i have, but anger at the peace. Bah!! doubtful you fuck. sorry, lapsing again.

i like it all. it doesn't feel homosexual, is it wrong for me to feel the emotion being a man, and they are nothing but screen figures. small pieces of flesh acting out my desires? they are paid to perform a story, the sicker the better, thats my Sunday reprisal, delve into someone's emotional glory and watch their depravity burn. someone who isn't real. funny how we associate more with those who aren't real than those who are.

so no i'm not doing well. i can't end my nightmares. i can't believe the chain of events are but fate, i can't sit by and watch it all fall down, but i'm still not doing well. hard when everything i used to love doing feels like i'm doing it wrong. and it doesn't feel good anymore.

there is no more release, with the wooden boards below my feet, the music pounding in my ears. now i'm watching for the others who might be watching me, entertain you. there is no more quiet noise when i'm alone.there is no more love at plugging an eu into there lan and getting the dsl connected. there is no hope that when i see her again we won't fight, we won't cry we'll just make sweet love and i can just treat her, which i never did. there is no more pain, or hatred, just fear. and anger. no more respect. no more life. just empty, no caamora, no residual crimson king, no silence, no V, no smiley. no more icon, no more chaos, no more abbaddon, no more kharn or maynard. where have they all gone. is ethliss even there?? where are they all.....?

god how do i end this when the stream keeps running, oh i love it when the red water runs, oh why fuck you. no no no no

i don't know, but last night when old dexter-baby was sitting on the couch, twitching and freaking out, that was me. that was me getting ready to break. slaughter, and watch the water flow. again again again.

and again......